he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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