I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
