i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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