I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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