dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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