took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
