hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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