all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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