I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
