I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
