hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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