I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
