You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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