I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
