You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
