i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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