I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
