So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I need moral support for this bender
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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