you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize