SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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