I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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