I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Even my vagina gasped.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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