hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
