look no pants
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
