You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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