My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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