Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
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I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
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