I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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