yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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