I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
