Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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