who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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