I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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