Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
