just tell him i said nine months
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Randomize
