But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
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you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
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How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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