someone get that fucking seahorse.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
