If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
