Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
