haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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