Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
