Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
