I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
