I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
