my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
