If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
