I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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