Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Can I color on your dick again?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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