I didn't shave. On purpose
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
These tits shall not be calmed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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