I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
