We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
