If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
