Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
