Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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