so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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