I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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