I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think my vagina is haunted
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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